Deep in Debt - A University Tale

It was a nice, warm day on the Indebted College Campus. The sun shined, birds sang, and debts rose. Billy stood at his locker when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find his friend’s face beaming behind him. 

“Tomorrow is the day where we leave college and finally get what we’ve been preparing for: a lifetime of debt.” Frank smiled proudly.

Billy stood up just a little taller. “We got real lucky getting into Indebted. The teachers here are really the best at teaching us the appropriate ways to leverage debt in order to make a good educational investment,” he replied. “I will miss it here!”

For a moment, the two seemed oddly reminiscent of the lead actors in a university commercial. Their smiles could have cracked glass.

“We have to say goodbye to our professor: Dr. Bank R. I am so grateful that he taught us so much about how to borrow our way through college!” Frank exclaimed.

The two rushed towards the relevant classroom but slowed their pace when Billy asked a question.

“Say, how much debt did you manage to accumulate over these years at Indebted? I’m currently $90,000 in debt, which is, I guess, pretty average for the top colleges.” He looked back at his dear friend expectantly. 

“Thanks to my major, How to Get Scammed, I managed to dig myself $100,000 dollars into debt, which will help me get a great job! I’m sure I can secure a high monthly salary, just like our professor said I would. I even put my Xbox on loan. The online application is so easy to fill out. There’s never a re-sign or paperwork required. It’s like free money!” 

As Frank finished his sentence, the two could see the classroom just up ahead.

“Wait, we’re here,” said Billy.

The two graduating seniors strode into the classroom with ease and confidence, and they saw Professor Bank R. cleaning his desk up before embarking on his own summer vacation. When he looked back at his students, he smiled at them fondly.

“Well hey there, my two favorite students.” he said taking a seat on his desk

“So, tomorrow’s the big day when you will finally graduate and start a lifetime in debt. Excited for your future?” 

“Looking forward to it,” both Billy and Frank replied…

—

10 years later, Billy and Frank were reunited at their college reunion. They were thrilled to share with each other the ways their lives had thrived since graduating from Indebted. 

Billy looked at his ambitious old friend with fondness and enthusiasm. “So how is the fancy job Professor Bank R. said you would get right after graduation? How is your debt-filled life treating you now?”

“I’m glad you’ve asked,” Frank smiled, cheekily. “Only the top echelon of our class secured those fancy jobs. An average Joe like me scored a good, average job with a 15-dollar-an-hour starting wage. My debt just kept on increasing; I could never pay it off. I also got a great deal with a bank for 20% interest. Thanks to that, my debt has nearly tripled in the past 10 years. I cannot have a credit card, so I’m paying for everything with cash. I live with my parents, and drive a “vintage” car inherited from my dad.” He took a moment to look back at his friend and wait for a reaction. Both men continued to beam at each other. “So, how about you?”

“Unlike you, I became a teacher and have been making the minimum required payment, but my bank forgot to mention that my monthly payments were below the interest-only payment requirement. Which is great, since I incurred more debt because of it!” He smiled but then looked back at his friend a little sheepishly. “My debt only managed to double these past 10 years, though. You got a lucky deal with that bank, Frank. I’m jealous. You managed to ride the tide with other Indebted students and have helped to increase the Grand Debt Pileup (G.D.P.) from $772 billion to $1.6 trillion.” You could tell from the twinkle in Billy’s eyes just how envious he was of his friend.

Suddenly, the two were interrupted by a familiar face approaching them.

“Well well. How are my two favorite students doing ten years after their graduation?” Professor Bank R. positioned himself right beside the two students, now men.

“We are making great contributions to the G.D.P. My student loan is 6 figures, and my hourly wage was only 15 dollars for years!” Frank beamed back at his professor, waiting for some sort of acknowledgement. When it didn’t come, Billy picked up the conversation.

“I almost never hear from anyone from college, except my student loan company.”

“Well did you ever hear what happened to Lucky from our class? I never heard from her after graduation,” asked Frank.

Professor Bank R. lowered his head and his voice as if trying to keep the next comment confidential. “Lucky revolted against the system and sold all of her belongings to join the Intrepid Revolution Syndicate (I.R.S.) However, as soon as she accepted the offer she was given, a police officer saw her and she went to jail. In fact, it had been a sting operation set up to trap her. Absolute shame, especially after she showed so much promise in her classes.”

“Is there anything we can do to bail her out? She’s never liked the idea of getting huge amounts of debt.” Billy seemed truly concerned about the outcome of his peer’s life.

“Sure there is,” replied Professor Bank R. “All you need to do is get a LOT MORE DEBT. Cheers to a happy, debt-filled life!” He raised his cocktail glass as if to gesture a toast and then turned on his heels. “I certainly look forward to hearing about your increased debt at the next ten year reunion, boys!” With that, he strode away into the party to greet more of his adoring students, leaving Frank and Billy smiling into their own glasses. 

The future was certainly bright.