America Threatens to Eradicate All Other Languages



Breaking news, a Chinese man shouts out racial slurs that seriously offended a restaurant manager! The story goes as follows: “Wo men qu na ge dian chi fan ba?” (let's go to that restaurant to eat?) says a Chinese man to his friend, while pointing at the door. The restaurant manager turned to stare at them, his face puffed up in a tinge of ripe tomato, his eyes sparked flames, and he cried out: “That person said the N-word! Racists! I’m gonna get you two disgusting demons banned everywhere!”

The two Chinese men returned a confused look, wondering what crime they offended by speaking their native language, and how the racist label could be slapped onto their backs without a thought. But of course, we all know that they should never have spoken a language that is not English, poor fools.

The US society and congress claims: “In the name of equity, inclusion, and diversity, we will no longer recognize any language except for English.” They threaten to cancel, demonize, harass, and shame every non-English speaker for offending the people that actually matter, the pure English talkers.

“Why should we waste time trying to understand their languages? Those people can’t even talk without involving racial slurs and offensive phrases,” they say, with a superior smirk on their faces, mouths prepared to harass on command, and hands ready to stick a label on others with blinding speed. On the streets, they wait for the perfect time and place to take off like Superman on his way to protect the innocent. They listen and watch for other languages, like a human radar for the USA, observing the crowds, scanning… Beep! A signal comes in, and these heroes without capes quickly swoop in from all corners, not needing any elaborate entrance except for their sheer numbers, to surprise their rescuee with a bombardment of eloquent English swear words.

Back in their dwellings, they are Batman, the mysterious Dark Knight that roams the internet, canceling enemies of American society with his arsenal of electronics. Zealously jumping around social media to seek out the most dangerous of offenders, and eject them out of this world. Inside their secret Bat Caves, the keyboards, monitors, phones, tablets, even radio players and phonographs all begged for their owner; hoping that they would comment, reply, and retweet, to oust other languages from the United States. The Batmen answered the call, and strapped on their phones, fired up the computers, and descended into a seat. Now, it's showtime!

The movie started, the rain poured, the Bat Light flared, and the camera zoomed in to reveal these anonymous protectors of justice. Slouched in their dim bedrooms, they scratched their heads, punched the wall where paint cracked, and never even tried to come up with a logical argument. Instead, with their scrambling fingers faster than a printer, their laptops vomited fallacies onto the internet. The interweb quickly flooded with their absurdities, and they spread like wildfire, rampaging every thread, discussion, and topic. These keyboard heroes sacrificed their precious time to protect an equal, inclusive, and diverse society from the filthy non-English speakers. What an honor that must be!